I’m not sure where to start with this one… or where it will necessarily end… but, I thought to get a little personal with you, and share some of my own journey…
My husband and I (recent photo of us above) have been married 2.5 years, come July, it’ll be 3! We’ve known each other for 13! (WOW!) And…. we’re ready to have a baby! We’ve been trying for about 10 months, and I’m here writing this down not because anything’s wrong, or I’m feeling bad that we haven’t gotten pregnant yet, but more as way to connect. Connect maybe with others who may be going through the same thing… connect with myself, with my body and mind… connect with something bigger. This has been a bit of a spiritual journey for me to be honest. I’m one of those people who truly believes things happen for a reason. I’m of the belief we haven’t gotten pregnant yet because it hasn’t been the right time. Our whole relationship — my husband’s and mine — has been proof in itself, that timing is key! He was ready, but I wasn’t, then when I (finally) was, he wasn’t, etc. etc. etc. We finally came together, after 7 months of not seeing each other (and available for other relationships), and have been solid ever since. So back to getting pregnant. Timing is key, and if and when it’s meant to be, it will be. In the meantime, maybe there’s something to discover…
Sometimes I really feel like I can relate to being a mother because I’ve been around and handled so many newborns. I’ve been in that hospital room over and over again, and seen the glow in a new mother’s eye. I’ve seen the love that is born, as if it’s a completely new love, one that hasn’t been felt before. And other times, I feel so far disconnected from motherhood, it’s crazy. As if I’m so buried in my own world, my own business and success in life, there’s no room to think and care for another helpless being. I most definitely yearn for what it is to be a mother though — the selfless being, the one living for another, with no questions or qualms about it. And not just for a few hours, or a full day, but day after day, night after sleepless night. In a crazy, neurotic way, I want and yearn for that!
Growing up, it’s hounded in our brains “don’t get pregnant, don’t get pregnant. Whatever you do, don’t get pregnant.” I was on birth control for over 20 years, and was very careful not to get pregnant. When we first started trying, it was a weird adjustment for my brain, that it’s ok now. I had been wired the other way for so long, so now all of a sudden it’s ok?! Are we ready?! “I don’t think we’re ready yet. Maybe we should wait a little longer.” I also felt that I had to warn my parents, that we were thinking about it, and that we were both very excited to have a baby. As if I needed to prep them so it wasn’t a surprise — wasn’t a shock as it would have been if I were still in high school.
And, all that built up anxiety if you will, makes you think that it happens so quickly once you get off birth control, or remove that condom. Do I have to say it again?! We’ve been trying for 10 months, and haven’t yet gotten pregnant. And guess what. That’s normal, or at least not unusual.
I have to laugh at myself now. Before we even started trying, my husband and I had it all planned out. We weren’t going to start trying until after our trip to Bali, because Zika was still a thing back then, and we were playing it ultra safe (I don’t think there’s any active Zika in Bali — at least, not the strand that was causing microcephaly). But, after we came back, we waited the 6 weeks or so anyways, and started after that. Then, if we got pregnant in April, we’d have a December or January baby…. I wasn’t so keen on that, so we only half tried in April, and really started for real in May. Yes, we could still potentially have a December baby, but hoping we’d get to full term, it’d be a January/February baby. And then, we started drafting out life plans with all this in mind! We talked about staying or leaving our apartment, exactly how we’d rearrange things if we stayed, buying a house, where would that be, when should we make the move, yada yada yada! Life planning! What were we thinking trying to base all of that on us getting pregnant right when we wanted to?! I have to admit, the not wanting a December baby was 100% on me. See, I am a little crazy.
I had an app on my phone, tracking my supposed ovulation. It really just tracked my period, and suggested when I might be ovulating. Nothing more scientific than that. But, I put my all into it. As in, we need to have sex today, or soon kind of thing! Today’s the day!
LIFE LESSON #1
There are some things in life that we can control, but there are others that are simply out of our control, and we have to be ok with that. Life with kids can sometimes be out of control, and if we’re not ok with that, we’d never last!
So stay tuned for more…. I can’t say this will be a weekly post, and I’ll likely have other posts in between this series, but there will be more. I’m stepping out on a limb here, because I don’t know what this is really going to look like, but hey — maybe something a little different, out of my norm and UNPLANNED will be good for me! Til next time.